Like a Rat Race

Paint Faces

Why you paint faces,
why you paint faceless meat?
It's raining and you wish it rains even harder,
even harder
Raining shit
You can sit in it with waiting,
a blank mind;
a blunt knife to cut yourself like butter,
melting under too much sun,
under too much stress
But, it won't stop raining,
and you just won't sink
All the faceless meat you remembered the faces.
It was all so painful you just know you can't stop
'Cause waking up hurts more than staying inside
Dreams where they still have faces and everyone is in pain

-- November 29, 2004

Isn't it odd that you think people just forget about you and move on with their lives when you seem to always remember them and think about them and your life is where you are and it's not going anywhere? A friend used to say that this was because you look down to yourself, underestimating your own achievements. I hope she's right. She's getting married in four months from today and you can see that glow in her. The glow people in love has, people that are happy and can't be much happier. I think I used to glow like that. I don't know what ended the glow, I can't even remember when. I kept on going fuelled with my own chaos, my own issues. I guess that make me selfish but I need to keep my sanity. Everything was too simple to be simply understood.

You lost your friends after marriage, either yours or theirs. I lost mines after theirs. Maybe I'll get them back after having mine, and lost some other as a compensation. Perhaps marriage is like stepping into a whole different world. You are bound by a contract. For life. And like a job sometimes you have to strife hard to keep the contract and in the process had to sacrifice other prioroties; such as friends. I think it's a bunch of bullshits. Yet I kept losing my friends, and starting to feeling somewhat of fear towards this contract thing.

Still I hope my friend is happy. She looked happy the last time I saw her, radiating happiness. And I'm happy for her because I know what it feels like--to be in love and happy--and she deserves all the happiness she can get. I just hope I won't be forgotten. That the world in which I'm still in, is not forgotten.

Feeling alone is much more horrible then being alone.