Drowning Isn't the Best Solution

The White Monster

2011-04-13T11:14:00.000+07:00

I still hate your ex-fling although hate is probably too strong a word and it's probably my hormones talking I still don't like it when you refer to her affectionately although it's been years and I probably would had done it worse

The Kitchen Conversation

2010-11-02T14:45:00.001+07:00

Goes on and on over the white china cups. You are holding my hand. Honestly, why did you let it go years ago?

Chimney

2010-04-08T17:02:00.000+07:00

I feel easily exhausted lately. Bleak. Dull. I can pretty much summed up more adjectives to describe it, none in a positive tone. Sometimes I wish I could just turn myself inside out, wash it clean, put it under the sunlight for a merry good time of drying up, so I can be something again. Something other than this. Black with soot and dark with anger I cannot decipher.

Time Stops Rain

2010-03-19T14:52:00.000+07:00

Rains. It always rains here. I used to not mind the grey. It brought light to things that usually people don't pay attention to. To things I usually don't pay attention to. Like the color of your socks. The golden gleam on the wristwatch my grandfather gave me when I was 12. How light blonde Trey is, and how her olive skin is flawless and is actually glowing. Which makes me jealous. Hannah's

The Best Remedy

2010-03-17T19:41:00.000+07:00

Wednesday is Wotan, or Odin's day. Somehow something related to knowledge or enlightenment often happened to me on Wednesdays compared to the other days of the week. Friday is my favorite day. It's the shortest longest day before weekend. The strange paradox of this day is exhilarating. I hate Saturdays because usually I feel so alone. Sundays are worse because suddenly the weekend is going to be

Breaking the Myth

2009-07-13T02:45:00.002+07:00

It was always too dark outsidetoo somber insidesometimes it's hot and humidsometimes it's cool and drysometimes none of these mattersThere was a tinge of vanilla in the air onceof clove from the cigarette that burned in the ashtray on the table beside the bedof fabric softener of the sun on his hairof the dampness on his skinThere was the sound of his breathing, slow and deep in sleepthe sound of

Hidden Maps

2009-02-23T02:44:00.004+07:00

No sleep over was your original rule, but you eventually let me stay every once in a while. I brought along the copy of Joyce's Ulysses, taken from R's bookshelf months ago, the copy I had brought everywhere in hope that reading it will make me understand R better. You know this. I still had not managed to go far reading it. Page fifteen. Page fifteen after more than eight months. You never let

Let Me Guess

2009-02-20T10:29:00.001+07:00

I don't appreciate myself as much as I should ...well, did I guess correctly? you know, I stole this picture online, but giving it credit, is it stealing still?

The Drugs Don't Work, I Want to See Your Face Again

2008-11-03T16:06:00.001+07:00

I wonder what all these new drugs do. I guess to have no more fears. --- Rufus WainwrightChemicals stopped me from despairing. When I was weak, it gave me the illusion that everything is amendable. I could just leisurely glided on like nothing happened. A short cut for the dreaded dark long tunnel.But, chemicals stopped me from feeling. It took me nearly half a year to regain what I lost; a speck

For You Bertie, on These So Called Pressures

2008-10-27T14:31:00.000+07:00

We sat and talk, set apart by distance we were, but we sat and talk.Me and my fears. You and these questions in your head.It's perhaps not odd we uttered the same things."what are these people doing?" "why are they doing it?" "what am i doing?" "why do i do things the way i did?" "maybe because am unhappy right now? and thinking, perhaps if I did what they do I will be happy?"How we crept slowly

Obituary

2008-10-26T14:12:00.001+07:00

It was so suddenly, we're not sure what to feel or think. It's hard to imagine coming home,and not have him welcoming us at the door with his tail wagging, his eyes shone.It's hard not to feel the sudden quietness,the silent that echoes through the house.He will always be remembered as the youngest one,the baby who slept by our bed,the loyal one who accompanied us when we were sad and feeling

Hollow

2008-10-26T12:09:00.000+07:00

Choci the yellow Labrador died this afternoon.

Nightmares

2008-09-17T15:39:00.002+07:00

This morning was the second morning I woke up with a bitter taste left on my lipsThe dreams tailing up my last two dawns were not the best of kindI was chased up, chased down,once by zombies,once by thieves and robbers,present in both the strong urge to protect the invaluables:first it was my life,second it was an unidentified object of insurmountable preciousnessBut it was last night I was

Old Enough, Not Young Enough

2008-09-16T15:30:00.001+07:00

Our Foggy Love by ~swagmanshutter on deviantARTIt failed to rain despite of the dark hanging in the East sky. Naturally it was hard hot, humid, and disappointing. A wisp of rain did come later in the afternoon, but it went after a minute, and we were already tangled in the awkward parts of the bed to even notice or even wanting to celebrate. The moment we stirred to catch a droplet of the rain,

Misery's a Company

2008-02-20T13:03:00.001+07:00

Yes, yes. I get ample moral supports from here and there.Out of the blue...M: Isn't it odd? I'm a writer but I have problems in communication.J: Aren't all writers like that? (pause) How come you have no problem communicating with me?M: Heh. I do have problems, you just didn't know it yet. (pause) Well, now you know. (silent) *moans*J: What's wrong?M: It's... all these... young

Sugar Sweet

2008-02-17T13:07:00.000+07:00

J and I talk on the phone atleast an hour every day when we're away. Often late at night or early at dawn. A compensation for the lack of physical intimacy. At first this annoyed the hell out of my roommate. Her new job had forced her to become an early bird, and listening to me giggling on the phone at two in the morning didn't help. Lately she had developed an immunity. Or perhaps because I

Know How

2008-01-08T09:04:00.002+07:00

Riding on this know-how Never been here before Peculiarly entrusted Possibly that's all Is history recorded? Does someone have a tape? Surely, I'm no pioneer Constellations stay the same Just a little bit of danger When intriguingly Our little secret Trusts that you trust me 'Cause no one will ever know That this was happening So tell me why you listen When nobody's talking What is there to

Secret Keepers

2007-12-21T18:25:00.000+07:00

J wears black almost always. He chainsmokes. He likes white cotton socks with his shoes. He's got a bad right eye. When we shook hands for the very first time, he gave an icy stare as if I were an extraterrestrial zoo escapee. His hands were warm.Unlike other guys I'd been with, he doesn't really drink coffee. Thus, no ammount of romance started there, like it was normally. He does things

I've Became that Creep

2007-11-27T14:34:00.000+07:00

O, I can't spell enough sorryfor chosing him instead of you guyslately

But With You

2007-11-07T18:28:00.000+07:00

I like when you held my handIt's cheesyI like when you tell jokesIt's incoherent and stupidI like when you let me sulkIt's sillyI like when you scold at meIt's unnecessaryI like when you said nothingIt's relentlessly mercilessBut with youyes I do

Impracticality

2007-10-19T08:27:00.000+07:00

I found myself in an impeccably exotic and utteredly romantic dispositions last weekend. Or rather, He found his ways with me. I couldn't tell.We weren't trying to rekindle any old flames, there weren't any to begin with at the first place. We had a walk on our first chance together, which was surprisingly serene. Soft whispers in a dimly lit room on the next chance, nothing naughty there. Soon

5/7

2007-10-16T19:42:00.000+07:00

This time it took 5 days to partially conclude several years of processes, etching an addium line on the circles of life.Another cycle another step,still a long way to the end.This time, as always, I'm grateful I have my friends.

Blitzkrieg!

2007-10-12T22:19:00.000+07:00

"RendezvousWhere to?My place at twoAnd we can do anything we want to do"--Craig DavidUnder the dim light we meetLift my face,as we start to dance the ancient danceof men and women since the ancient time

Restless 2

2007-10-12T14:15:00.000+07:00

rappatap tap taprumpathump thump thumpbut nothing excites your heart

Choose

2007-10-12T05:59:00.000+07:00

If I can choose to forget, I will forget this day

Clean Cut

2007-09-05T13:45:00.000+07:00

She's sweetBut keeping her would turn her bitter.He's sweetbut keeping him would turn me bitter.Okaysimple things from now onLike a clean cut hairtrimmed neatly at the edgesIt's like asking for a glass of water when feeling thirstyIt's like knowing it will rainand taking the laundry inIt's like telling youthere is such thing like Heavenand we will go there when we diedbecause we've lived in hell

Black Heart

2007-09-03T10:41:00.000+07:00

Yea, it is so difficult to be graceful,it is difficult to be wiseIt is difficult to keep an eye open under a heavy sand storm, without a pair of goggles that is calmnessIt is difficult to keep the heart black,the mind liquid,the tongue eloquentYea, it is not easy to grow up

The Break Up

2007-08-30T13:46:00.000+07:00

And then, it was overThe glass of coffee was left standing alone on the tableIt's still half full when it turned too salty and painful by the sudden teardrops on my shirt and the table cover"This is funny""No, this is bad""Yes, this is bad. I'm sorry""It hurts. I didn't think it would hurt this much""I'm sorry"To tell you the truth, I never have imagined it would hurt that muchYour sorries can

Digital Taverns of the Malevolent Beings

2007-07-19T04:50:00.000+07:00

I'm bored.I don't find sunshine to be specifically entertaining, nor the bipedal elephant with guns.How did I get here?

Here, I Fell Again

2007-07-15T00:00:00.000+07:00

Freya Griffin: i never ever learn Freya Griffin: its like serving my head on a silver platterFreya Griffin: my still beating heart for desertFreya Griffin: a delicacy if you pleaseFreya Griffin: a blind sacrifice I madeFreya Griffin: coz I never ever learnPoetic Lunatic: even if it tastes the same, but still you want more!Freya Griffin: taste? its mere bitterness that disilussioned me of

City Lovers

2007-07-14T19:55:00.000+07:00

City LoversEvery meeting seems a sort of miracleThey cannot bear to think about, as ifTo think of it could only work them illIn future when their arms must fall awayAnd each turn to his mortal prosody, The muted happenstance of day-to-day.Half in, half out of time love guaranteesSafe conduct for them as they venture outAmong the whistling knife-edged certainties, Their vulnerability in times

Nightmare

2007-07-13T21:06:00.000+07:00

I started my day with a dream of waking up late at two pm. Not very good. I hurried and hurried and in the middle of the blurry hurry I suddenly thought to myself "but this is just a dream." Since it was resolutely nightmare-ish I decided I need to wake up from it and escape.So I touched my cheek. I could feel it. I pinched my cheek, I can vaguely felt the pinching. Just slightly. So it's not a

This Is What It Was Like For Me

2007-07-04T17:45:00.000+07:00

The attack of the despair of going nowhereness. The worries about nothing and everything. In this condition when darkness surrounds, a minute seems like an eternity, all hopes are lost in the midst of one's clouded mind and impaired judgement. The fear of never getting out of it. Nothing seems to make the feeling better. Nothing helps.The hunger that cannot be replenished, the thirst that cannot

I Accidentally Put My Foot in My Mouth on Tuesday

2007-07-03T16:25:00.000+07:00

Extra mellow today if I may.Started the day in an odd place and equally odd situation.Had a long nap and woke up feeling a lil bit dazed.Made a stupid decision of an inquiry. Quickly felt aweful afterwards.Can't read can't write can't think.Effortlessly feeling like crap for the rest of the afternoon.Mentally lethargic.He showed up, a spark of joy short-livened before returning to vegetative

It Hurts To Be Beautiful

2007-07-01T06:54:00.000+07:00

My ribcage is bruised.My feet were dying that I had to resuscitate it.But the best part of last night was my mascara.It stayed on despite of the ceaseless batting!

Yes I Feel Warm

2007-06-17T19:50:00.000+07:00

I feel warm like thisLikeall fuzzyand softand warm.Yes I feel warm tonight.Even as I sit here, far and away from the causes and sources, I still feel the warmth.You see, all that was needed was sincerity.Sincerity and that's it.

Encounter with the Lost Kind 1

2007-06-07T23:59:00.001+07:00

Ethan and I had an old history of masochism. We enjoyed tortures. Nothing physical, but it was as bad.He often would accidentally slip his tongue and told me he went out with this bitch I hated. He spent the weekend with her after we had silly fights, which in frequent exceeded the mortality rate in a third world countries. As a retaliation I would let a guy, whom I knew he considered as rival

The Neck

2007-05-30T18:40:00.000+07:00

There's something sexy about the hairline at the back of a man's neck. I don't think it could be called a fetish, nor is it a big preference, but it could be a huge turn on. At least for me.None of my ex-boyfriends or ex-flings have a sexy hairline at the back of their necks. Naturally, so far I have always found myself going ga ga at some stranger's backsides. I feel so dirty.When vacationing to

It's Falling in Love

2007-05-18T20:56:00.000+07:00

It's been decided that I'm in love.I told Lily about the weekly rendezvous with him. About the endless sighing the day after our night in. A night in with a million of his mates.It could be my morning coffee. It could be my hormones. It could be him."Oh, you're just in love.""Really? I am?""Just admit it. Denying it would make it worse.""I guess it does, But I'm not entirely sure that I am."And

And thus spoke Zoloft

2007-04-26T05:59:00.000+07:00

I don't know what to call it again. Mild depression, stress, anxiety disorder, bipolarity disorder, extreme hormonal mood swing.Which one?Whichever it is I have to talk about it, but if I did I feel it's nothing but a useless whine.I'm usually so much fun.I hate these shoes am in.

The Kiss that Brighten my March

2007-04-08T17:37:00.000+07:00

An unexpected surprise kiss at Wednesday, six P.M. hadflown the butterflies in my stomach,rushed the blood in my veines,brighten my cloudy morning after,sweetened my bitter afternoon coffee,added fab to my Friday blueberry cheesecake.An unexpected surprise kiss at Wednesday the 22ndhad brightened my month of March

The Boyfriend

2007-02-28T19:28:00.000+07:00

Kevin was showing off the Boyfriend. We don’t know what was going on in his head but she was definitely all mushy about him. Sarah, all the while, was pretty bored. It was nearing midnight and she’d done her second cigarette pack. She blamed us for pecking on them like hungry albatross, but we all knew she inhaled all those cigs without our help. Like there’s going to be no tomorrow.The Boyfriend

Say Something Rhetoric About Me. Please!

2007-02-21T09:21:00.000+07:00

It was a thunderstorm outside when he came to my door.“Hello! A nice day for copulation!” with a big grin in his face. He is absolutely the only person who could get away with such obscene remarks and manages to smitten me in the process. We cuddled up and had ourselves hot drinks. I asked him to say something good about me. Something that attracts him. “You’re simple”Ha! I told him how it

The Mind Tricks

2007-01-29T14:35:00.000+07:00

For the last couple of weeks I had been drowned in an odd mood. I kept thinking that something was growing inside me. I even caught myself quietly planned a series of actions and possibilities several times.Last weekend, when preparing myself to go out and party, I had my period. I sat on the closet for three minutes, quite taken aback. Not that it wasn't expected. I knew I had been having PMS

Aarggghh I Need Glucose In My Veins... NOW!

2007-01-18T04:39:00.001+07:00

You Are an Iced CoffeeAt your best, you are: hyper, modern, and athleticAt your worst, you are: cheap and angstyYou drink coffee when: you're out with friendsYour caffeine addiction level: mediumWhat Kind of Coffee Are You?

Hero of the Week

2007-01-14T17:34:00.000+07:00

My baby was down with viral infection for the weekend. At 4 AM Friday, I screamed for help as my first aid effort showed no result.It was heartbreaking because I know nothing of viral infections! Nothing! Well, only a minor knowledge of weekly updates or the sort. But nothing really, you know... deep. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't think of anything but thewell being of my

8+ Orgasm

2007-01-10T22:49:00.000+07:00

So, the object of my lust is back in town today after his long and deservedly vacation. It was partially a miracle and partially my bad health for the last couple of weeks that I didn't crave him as much as I usually am. We talked on the phone twice, vaguely hinting any needs of organic conjunctions. But really, I was much more preoccupied with domestic stress and blahs.And then, after a brief

Blogonfusion

2007-01-07T19:39:00.000+07:00

The internet connection disagreed a lot with me this weekend. I was trying to update my blog in blogger and it refused to connect properly. Thus, big disappointment.On the lighter side: I still have my multiply site. Hahahah!So anyways, it's midnight, and as I was washing my head in the bathroom, a thought occured. Now, thoughts occured every now and then, and especially the theme about myself

'Tis The Season To Be Jolly

2006-12-21T21:27:00.000+07:00

He's going away for the holiday season. Hadn't seen his family for years.I hadn't seen him for 10 days.I was pretty upset when he cancelled last night. I won't be seeing him again for God knows how long. A month? What if he decided to pack his bag and left somewhere like he did before? He does have that tendency. Something that I somehow admire from him. That strain of uninhibitedness. That

Him and His Devious Plan to Conquer

2006-12-20T17:36:00.000+07:00

Date:Wed, 16 Dec 2006 07:01:20 -0800 (PST)From: Fenton View ContactDetailsSubject: My little tigerTo: Griffin.Freyja@Gi...I likeit when I unclasped your braWe were kissing and I put my arms around youand unclasped your braIt only took less than a minuteoften youwould hardly realised it in between the kissesand often it was undonebefore I could say "Achoo!"Me unclasping your braIt's

Leap to the Sky

2006-12-14T02:02:00.000+07:00

Blackbird singing in the dead of nightTake these broken wings and learn to flyAll your lifeYou were only waiting for this moment to ariseBlackbird singing in the dead of nightTake these sunken eyes and learn to seeAll your lifeYou were only waiting for this moment to be freeThe song had been generously given to the world by the beatles

Sarah

2006-12-13T23:32:00.000+07:00

Sarah and I chatted past midnight last night. I told her the nightmare I had several days ago. I told her I'm not usually superstitious because that's Trey's habit, not mine. But the nightmare was leaving a bitter after taste in my mouth. It was something I didn't want to feel and really rather not know at all. I got worried. And I don't want to be worried.It was nice and comforting talking to

School Cool 2

2006-12-12T20:57:00.000+07:00

People do not go to school to broaden their knowledges. No. That was the second goal. The first being hanging out with your best friends checking out the opposite sex.Last month a friend of mine hooked me up with his co-worker, a nice guy, whom he thought will enhance the quality of my life as a single woman. After a couple of minutes talking over dinner we found out that at certain periods, we

Uplifted and Soaring

2006-12-12T12:26:00.000+07:00

Still I RiseYou may write me down in historyWith your bitter, twisted lies,You may trod me in the very dirtBut still, like dust, I'll rise.Does my sassiness upset you?Why are you beset with gloom?'Cause I walk like I've got oil wellsPumping in my living room.Just like moons and like suns,With the certainty of tides,Just like hopes springing high,Still I'll rise.Did you want to see me broken?Bowed

Do I Want It That Bad?

2006-12-10T15:49:00.000+07:00

"Do you want it that bad?"I was sulking because he didn't spare time for me in his hectic schedules. It's not that I'm needy, I just love his touches. I just wanted him to claim me. Because I'm a rare prize and I've chosen him to claim me. I thought he should appreciate it more."Do you want it that bad?"Perhaps he waited for a verbal affirmation. A "yes" from my lips. But I kneeled down and

School Cool 1

2006-12-10T02:36:00.000+07:00

Highschool was hellHighschool was coolIt was a schoolnevertheless...Actually I love schooling.Everything in the school is set to make you feel challenged. Mentally. Sexually.Endless taunts in the classroom and during recess.Mid teen-agers' my peers are way cooler then yours in the cafetaria.I didn't know what an erection was and how it works.It was erected right in front of my face.And me, I aced

Warm Like Chocolate

2006-12-09T20:22:00.000+07:00

Can't concentrateReally awkward todayLike trying to pick soybeans one by one using chopstiks-awkward.Like trying-to-pinch-soybeans-using-chopsticks-one by one-after-drinking-too-much-caffeine-awkward.Kicked something last week. I forgot what. My toe nail remembers, I bet. Didn't notice but now I saw. It's not coming off anytime soon so I can't be bothered. Give the toe nail a chance!I remembered

I live in a box

2005-08-15T14:21:00.000+07:00

Human can never actually be free.As fatalistic as they can be, they would only run into another confined space with yet plottable boundaries.So why are we running?Why am I running?I live in a box.I don't think human are meant to be kept in a box.We're not bugs.Even bugs are not meant to be kept in a box.These boxes came from other people.I think I have several for myself too. Sometimes it's big.

Better Luck Next Time

2005-08-14T19:09:00.000+07:00

Two A.M. You felt like you're about to explode. You had a bottle of pills ready at hand. Cold water from the tap. Found yourself in the mirror. So familiar and yet unknown. Who is this creature? Secretly admired it. Standing so tall, perfect. A perfect nuisance. It was in pain.You suddenly remembered you were about to explode. How could you forget such an important thing? Is it your system. Is it

Craps

2005-08-09T19:39:00.000+07:00

OKe, udah berapa abad ya gak ngisi blog?Dari Desember.Nggak penting lagi? Lost interest?There had been a major shifts in every aspects of my life.I can say i'm much more morbid then I used to be. If someone in particular read this, he, I know this for sure, would be rolling around laughing his majestic arse off.I'm not sure just how serious people perceived me to be.Not too serious, I

Lemon Tea

2004-12-05T14:23:00.000+07:00

It’s like tasting the sourness of lemon for the first time, surprised yet you wanted more. Sourness that slowly turns into sweetness once you get used to it. Like when I first kissed your lips. I thought my heart was going to leap out of my throat, landed on your feet with a shudder and you would stomp on it and kill me. But you closed your eyes and moved closer. And then, we kissed. You always

So what if i write?

2004-12-03T13:38:00.000+07:00

I did lots of writings, none of it works. I once have a great dream of inspiring people with whatever I'm writing, but i don't know. I mean, you're not supposed to tell people about something you haven't gone through and above all, one shouldn't be the judge of others. OK... look who's talking? Somehow inspirations always came during time spent in the bathroom. It's like a magic sort of place.

Like a Rat Race

2004-12-02T14:40:00.000+07:00

Paint Faces Why you paint faces, why you paint faceless meat? It's raining and you wish it rains even harder, even harder Raining shit You can sit in it with waiting, a blank mind; a blunt knife to cut yourself like butter, melting under too much sun, under too much stress But, it won't stop raining, and you just won't sink All the faceless meat you remembered the faces. It was all so painful

Drowning Nights

2004-10-15T16:38:00.000+07:00

Drowning nights occur when you rather do something that you know will waste your time and after doing it you know it won't make you feel any better. Just dragging along the empty street with your bag heavy with burdens you'd rather not unload because you're a keeper, or rather you're just afraid to lose? Fear is sometimes a repression of anger. It doesn't matter which is worse, being angry or